I woke up this morning and I was not my self, at least not the self I am used to greeting on a daily basis. I looked through my collection of daily masks and facades, but it seems all of my optimism and passion was out to the cleaners. What gives here? We all experience low days but when they hit, they are challenging. I applaud myself for getting this far. The laptop, the car service, calls to important people etc. I don’t even know how I got here. I have dark eyes, though I try to see the light.
I have to remind myself to be positive. Optimism is a choice, even in the worst of moments we can find things to be grateful for, and this is certainly not one of the worst moments. Just a temporary blip in the great drama of life.
Oh, but if I am in a bad mood, everything supports. Friends who forget you, parents who state that they want to end services, clients gone awol. In the right moment, what they all have in common is me….dark eyes. The eclipse, the dark side of the moon. Just a rim of light showing through. Is it really true? Is it all dark? I don’t think so. To those who scoff at the events of our world and point to the endless supply of media generated terror, I say you are still only living in a fable. A myth generated by your fears and your willingness to see the growing darkness.
Now I am convincing myself even lol. There is a lot of amazing stuff going on in the world while we live out our short moments. For instance, the mars curiosity probe is wending its way to an amazing encounter and we will be in front row seats, watching the unfolding story. Yesterday I was told by an insurance company that the parents of one of my clients had given me a glowing review. Today I heard from another caseworker that one of my clients had stated that his work with me as his family therapist had brought he and his father closer together. I will be in San Francisco tomorrow and it will be a nice 5 day visit. So why do I have dark eyes?
No good reason really. Just self pity raising up its ugly head in search of a target.
I am psyching myself up…fuel for a day with clients new and old. The constant churning of the engine is bound to stir up some negativity. “The things gotta have a tailpipe” I hear Uhuru say in my ear. Yes, we have all have the detritus that we burn off as we aim for our loftier goals.
A couple of those lofty goals stand out as both the source of my stress and perhaps the reason for the dark eyes. The Phd and being overworked. Suzi pointed out to me last night that even when I do have an off day, I am still on. If I have client cancellations, I am hustling for the next batch. I am not sure that was what I had in mind when I started this path. However, in a world where clients are required to have my services, there is bound to be some kickback. It is not even in my nature to force my ideas or thoughts on others. I offer guidance, but more likely I offer a chance for others to learn about themselves. I am a question shooting machine attempting to help others examine and work with their own inner mental landscape. Whatever positive effects come from the encounter, come from the client making decisions for themselves, not through any mechanical manipulation but through a build of awareness both personal and environmental.
The clock strikes. The paw of time scratching at the door….cheesy… what the hell are you writing about Woody? Uncertain, I close the paragraph awaiting the next budding inspiration, hoping for the best..I turn back to the orders of my day.